“I don’t want the confrontation.”
“I don’t want to hurt her feelings.”
“I’m afraid I’ll damage our relationship.”
These are some of the reasons that managers in Poynter seminars have given for not having one of those difficult conversations with co-workers. You know the conversations: the ones about the co-worker’s poor performance, insubordinate behavior or even something as touchy as bad body odor. The conversations are difficult because they involve issues and/or people who are important to you. Each case is different but the comments from the seminar folks reflect that nagging fear of confronting people.
My Poynter leadership colleagues and I have offered tips in earlier columns on dealing with underperforming co-workers and how to conduct the difficult conversation. But, managers tell us that before they can talk about outcome and before they can consider how to protect the feelings of their co-workers, they have to get through their own fear of starting the conversation. They tell us they fear that:
- The other person won’t listen to them or will reject their solution to a problem.
- They will be hurt by something the other person says to them.
- They may lose control of the conversation.
- They might be perceived by other co-workers as a bully or worse — a pushover.
A number of books take hard looks at the difficult conversation. One book from the Harvard Negotiation Project draws from psychology, conflict management and organizational communication theory. “In Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most,” authors Stone, Patton and Heen examine ways that people interact in a range of difficult conversations. They say the manager’s best move is to work on his or her own fears first. They suggest three things to accept about yourself to get through the fear:
1. You will make mistakes. Everybody does.
2. You don’t have to blame yourself for seeming to be inconsistent. Consider this example: A television News Director allows a reporter to become interim weekend anchor. But when the search is concluded, a person from outside gets the anchor position. The reporter feels betrayed. During this difficult conversation with the reporter, the News Director only needs to be honest. He can say that he asked the reporter to anchor because he needed someone and that he wanted to observe her. Both can be true and his decision doesn’t make him a bad person. The key is not to let such decisions keep you from starting the next difficult conversation.
3. You have often contributed to the problem. Sometimes by ignoring it. Sometimes by avoiding contact with the other person.
The idea is to identify your concerns and then address them head on. One manager came face to face with his fear after failing repeatedly to change the behavior of a veteran reporter in his newsroom. The reporter recently had begun to submit stories that were not as well-researched or as well-written as some of her earlier work. Each time he tried to speak to her about the quality of her work, she deflected his comments with talk of how long she had been there and how much she had contributed to the newsroom before he arrived. He complained that each encounter left him feeling misunderstood and disrespected. And each encounter made him reluctant to try again.
Sure, he had considered that the older, more experienced reporter might reject his legitimate authority. He hadn’t acknowledged that his agenda for the conversations often had been to assert his authority and protect his own image as a manager.
In asserting his authority, he had been harsh in his criticism of the reporter’s work. He called it “unacceptable” and “weak.” Once he acknowledged that his heavy-handed style probably had grown from his own insecurity, he changed. He showed more empathy for her. And he became more curious about her assessment of her work and how she saw herself contributing to the newsroom.
Identify your concerns and then address them head on.
The conversation also revealed her concern about how any shift in her duties would look to her colleagues. The manager met with his boss and the reporter and they reached an agreement that gave the reporter a new role. The reporter now does an occasional long-form piece and uses her experience and strong contacts to contribute depth and background to other reporter’s daily stories.
The manager says the new arrangement has become a competitive edge for news. More than that, the reporter’s own writing has improved and she is “very pleased” with her new position. Everybody won. The conversation was successful.
In his book, “Powerful Conversations,” Phil Harkins reminds us that really effective managers know they don’t always have to win at the expense of others. Showing vulnerability, he says, is key to making connections with other people. As you prepare to make a connection with your co-worker, he suggests you:
- Be honest with yourself about your fears and any personal agendas you might have.
- Empathize with the other person. If Stone, Patton and Heen are right, your co-worker feels the way you feel – afraid and vulnerable.
- Discuss your fears with a colleague who knows you. This should be a person who can remind you about your essential character and your competence as a manager. He or she will help you gain the courage you’ll need to face your fears. Sometimes this will be your boss. Sometimes you’ll want to talk to someone outside of your newsroom.
Dread of the difficult conversation has stopped other managers from talking and robbed them and their co-workers of good working relationships.
If you have more tips about how to break through the fears that managers face, let us know and we’ll pass them on.
Sources:
Stone, Douglas, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen. Difficult Conversation: How to Discuss What Matters Most. Penguin Books: New York, 1999.
Harkins, Phil. Powerful Conversations: How High Impact Leaders Communicate. McGraw-Hill: New York, 1999.
