For the past few months, Poynter Online columnist Dr. Ink has been on sabbatical, a condition that threatens to descend into semi-retirement. Not much could move the Doc, who sees himself as a combination of Jonathan Swift and Tom Swift, off the tropical island of his mind. But March Madness has done it. No, not the college basketball tournament. The madness that re-inks his pen concerns another high-profile journalism fabrication and plagiarism scandal, this one at USA Today. “Enough!” emotes the usually imperturbable Doc in this satirical meditation on the current crisis.
My Caucasians, oh my Caucasians, what doth the future hold?
A pasty white, middle-class, middle-aged brother has been exposed by USA Today as a monumental fabricator and plagiarist, making the work of Jayson Blair look like a Sunday School picnic. The malpractice of foreign correspondent Jack Kelley, which he denies before a mountain of damning evidence, threatens to focus suspicion on the work of white, middle-aged journalists everywhere.
For decades, we white journalists have rolled the rock up the mountain of Caucasian privilege. You know, my white brothers, of what I speak: the privilege to sit in the newsroom on our scrawny white asses, avoid eye contact with our editors, promise to “get to that assignment” when we have a chance, and (these days) slip out for a venti double mocha nonfat latte — in short, the privilege to sidestep any challenge to our deeply ingrained right to mediocrity. No, we shall not be moved. ‘Cause we own the place.
Until now, that is.
What hath Jack Kelley wrought? In what seemed like the longest report in the history of USA Today — but nicely segmented to create multiple points of entry — here’s what a special investigation into the work of Kelley concluded:
…A team of journalists has found strong evidence that Kelley fabricated substantial portions of at least eight major stories, lifted nearly two dozen quotes or other material from competing publications, lied in speeches he gave for the newspaper, and conspired to mislead those investigating his work…
This trail of fabrication, plagiarism, and cover-up leads around the world and is breathtaking in scope and ingenious duplicity. Along that trail, Kelley narrated a series of dramatic moments in which he was a supposed eyewitness to powerful news events, including a suicide bombing in Israel. Isn’t it enough, the reader may ask, that we mediocre white reporters have suffered the suspicions of our editors that we are “slackers” because we never get to events just in time to see people getting blown up?
Why, then, play the white race card? Because the downfall of Jack Kelley derives from his violation of several longstanding rules for white success in the newsroom. These include:
- If you work half as hard, you’ll accomplish twice as much.
- If you are not fired from journalism by the age of 40, you’ve got it made. Relax. You’ve earned it. Let the kids and journalists of color do the heavy lifting.
- Never, ever become an eyewitness to a news event. The stakes are too high. Always get there late so you can exploit the grief of others.
- Don’t plagiarize or fabricate to improve your stories. This fakery will just raise the stakes for future stories. Keep editors’ expectations as low as a limbo bar.
- One source stories are shallow and irresponsible. Two source stories (one Palestinian, one Israeli) will get you out of the newsroom and into the barroom — where middle-aged white reporters belong.
Message to Jack Kelley: Thanks, man. Now all the white reporters you left behind will have editors looking over our shoulders, sending teams across the globe to fact-check behind us, and running our best stuff through plagiarism detection software. Where is the sense of Caucasian solidarity, milky brother? You are a traitor to your race, man, so turn in your Lacoste shirts and those Barbra Streisand CDs.
At least Jayson Blair burned down his master’s house. Jack Kelley, you have burned down your own house. Our house. The “white” house.
Blair’s transgressions led to a cloud of suspicion being cast upon journalists of color and cynicism throughout the land about the effects of affirmative action. What injustice! But isn’t it an expression of white privilege that we never have to say we’re sorry?
Well, guess what, Whitey? Payback is a dollar bill, and it’s got our picture on it. The man in the mirror is the color of Wonder Bread with the crust cut off, and, guess what? He can’t dance.
[ Will Jack Kelley’s sins be visited upon other white journalists? ]
