Dear Readers:
It did not surprise Dr. Ink that he was not invited to join the task force that will help President Lee Bollinger rethink the mission of the Columbia Graduate School of Journalism. And there is no truth to the rumor that the Doc is being “eyed,” as the headline writers would say, to become the next Dean. Of course, if he were the Dean, he would immediately institute the following reforms:
- Fire journalism scholar Jim Carey and replace him with comic actor Jim Carrey.
- Hire media critic Jon Katz, now writing a book on dogs, to teach a class titled “Katz on Dogs.”
- Teach a sequence in which all faculty members must have “Rosen” as part of their names, starting with Roger Rosenblatt, Jay Rosen, Tom Rosenstiel, and Ron Rosenbaum.
- Invite retired professor Melvin Mencher in once a year to give a lecture on how much better journalism students were in 1951.
- Get hip with today’s students by offering a Pulitzer Prize for ‘gaming.’
- Hire Osama Bin Laden to teach a course on the shaping of political discourse, and when he shows up for class, turn him over to the New York City Fire Department.
- Pay all students in the program according to the quality and quantity of the journalism they create.
- Get Bollinger to hire a decent basketball coach. (Great journalism programs always are associated with great basketball teams.)
- Create a “Times-free week” each year when faculty members are not permitted to make reference in the classroom to The New York Times.
- Insist that every word said in every class — even by visiting politicians — be on the record.
- Create a “Second Semester Abroad” program, with headquarters in Cannes.
- Require all students to log on to poynter.org each day after smoking their first joint.
- Develop courses in multi-culturalism taught in NYC taxicabs and ethnic restaurants.
- Send more students up the street to knock on Bill Clinton’s door.
- To attract hipper students, change name of university to Cool-umbia.
What say, Columbia? The Doc is waiting for your call.
