Dear Readers:
Dr. Ink has been having a bit of troubling managing his e-mail lately, but then, who hasn’t?
The Doc averages about 40 to 50 messages per day, certainly not high by contemporary standards. At least a third of these are junk, advertisements for herbal Viagra, invitations to send thousands of dollars to Africa, a request to purchase computer hardware or software.
Just below this category of spam, come the messages from friends, family and neighbors, electronic chain letters, messages of cloying sentimentality, or humor that is not funny. The president of the Poynter Institute, Jim Naughton, apparently has a gaggle of lame friends who have nothing better to do than to pass along their insipid jokes.
That does not mean that unsolicited humor is always unwanted or unappreciated. Consider the contents of this message Doc received from his friend Stuart Adam, one of Canada’s most brilliant journalism teachers and scholars, a man whose intellect approaches even that of Dr. Ink.
He forwards a list of winners of a word contest sponsored by the Washington Post Style section. To enter, you take a word, change one letter in it, and offer a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize that it was your money to start with.And the pick of the literature:
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon: It’s when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decaflon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.Doc wants to play. How about: Goreshadowing: The late afternoon nubs of beard that appear on the former Vice President’s face. Or: the work done by reporters covering the former VP’s failed presidential campaign.
